Win at Your Period: Diva Cup

Periods. They’re the pits right? They’re the lamest of the lame, the grossest of the gross, the thorn in your uterus! It’s like having the flu 5-7 days out of the month except that you’re also leaking HUMAN FREAKING BLOOD out of your nether regions. Not only is it inconvenient, messy, and painful, but we get so much crap for having them. It’s why some people think women can’t be effective leaders, the excuse used by jerky jerks acting like jerks to explain women getting mad at them (Oh…it must be THAT time of the month…), and why Arrested Development was canceled (just kidding).

I’ve suffered for years, hating my body with a flaming passion every month. I’ve also written papers on feminine products and given presentations on the horrors behind the feminine product industry. If the danger associated with feminine products isn’t enough to turn your hair as white as the pleasantly bleached tampons you’re carelessly inserting into your vagina (I’ll write an entry on that later), the cost will. A woman spends on average $7-$9 per month cleaning up a mess that isn’t her fault. And without you knowing, the feminine product industry has been steadily upping their prices while simultaneously lowering the amount you get. Sneaky bloody bastards.

So what is a lady to do in the world today if she has a uterus? Have I got the answer for you! It’s called, the Diva Cup. I’m sure some of you have heard about this and immediately shut down the idea. It’s quite a foreign concept that I associated with stinky hippies who don’t believe in doctors or science. Hippies who don’t mind sitting in a Menstrual Hut during their periods, don’t shower, and don’t mind bleeding into their clothing. Not that there’s anything wrong with that per say, but it sure ain’t me.  And boy, was I wrong! I wasted a lot of time and anguish carrying around those incorrect stereotypes.

The Diva Cup, or menstrual cup, is the best invention since shredded cheese in a bag. It’s sent from menstrual angels who have taken pity on our plight and blessed us with the “one cup to rule them all”. It will save you money, ease the hassle associated with periods, protect your innards, AND leave you free to live your life. Here is the magical blessing that I’m sharing with all you future converts: Life-Changing Diva Cup.

Let me just explain a few of the benefits to The Diva Cup:

1. It’s reusable and therefore easier on the environment and your wallet.
2. Made of silicon, which is safe for use in the body (pacifiers and bottle nipples are made of this stuff).
3. It’s non-absorbent meaning there is little to no risk for Toxic Shock Syndrome.
4. You can leave The Diva Cup in for 10-12 hours; Tampons are recommended at no longer than 6-8 hours.
5. You can go swimming without fear!  All those handstands, jumping jacks, and kick-boxing classes women are always doing (according to feminine hygiene commercials) can be accomplished without leaks!
6. It isn’t a “risky and/or new” product. The diva cup has actually been around for about 80 years.
7. One diva cup can hold 1 oz. of fluid. To put that in perspective, the average woman releases 1-2 oz. during her entire period!
8. Less messy than tampons and pads (most of the time). I know, this shocked me too!
9. More comfortable than tampons/pads. You can’t even feel it if it’s inserted properly.
10. No added fragrance, coloring, or bleach.  Just so you know, these are things your uterus does not like.

Why wouldn’t you use something that awesome! Well, that leads me to a few negatives associated with the diva cup, which I definitely experienced in the beginning. There is a SERIOUS learning curve to inserting it correctly. And if the idea of tampons without applicators (O.B tampons) gives you the “heebie jeebies”, inserting the diva cup will scare the ol’ period belt right off of ya.  The negatives are:

1.  The learning curve, which I already mentioned.  Using the diva cup requires new skills you have never used before.  However, did you not experience a learning curve with tampons and pads?  It has just been so long you probably don’t remember.  The difference with the diva cup is that once you’ve mastered it, the pay off is 100x better.
2. You’ll have to be ok with putting things in and pulling things out of your hoo ha. But seriously you guys, isn’t it about time we stop freaking out about parts of our body?  It’s your body!!!  You probably know more about your dang smart phone than you do about the body that keeps you alive.  Sheesh.
3. You’ll have to be ok with seeing your menstrual fluid.  I’m not going to lie, at first this freaked me out.  And after awhile it just became as normal as any other body fluid.
4. You may experience leaks in the beginning.  This is a natural bi-product of the learning curve.  As you continue to master the diva cup, you’ll learn to recognize when it isn’t inserted properly or when you need to change it.  I suggest using a backup pantyliner or pad just in case.

When I first started using The Diva Cup, this cutie patootie’s informative video really helped me troubleshoot my issues:

My biggest fear was how gross the cup would be when I removed it. What if I was shopping at the mall with some friends and had to change it in the bathroom? Would I look like Christian Bale in American Psycho, splattered with blood and laughing maniacally at the horror? Would I need to leave the stall to wash the thing, smile politely at the women next to me and say, “Oh don’t mind me…just washing the ol’ blood catcher. Btw, love that lipstick you’re wearing!”

None of that happened.

First of all, the The Diva Cup holds so much fluid, you rarely need to change it. During my period, I would put it in first thing in the morning and not change it until I went to bed at night.

Second, if for some reason you do have to change it while you’re out, there is hardly any fluid on the outside of the cup when you remove it because the little bugger suctions itself onto your cervix. You simply dump the blood into the toilet, wipe off the outside with a little toilet paper, and then reinsert. You get hardly anything on your hands! So you don’t have to lie to the lady at the sink, explaining that your hands are covered in blood because you killed a rogue rat in the stall. Easy peasy!

There is no harm in trying it. At the worst you hate it and are out $24 bucks, but at the best you’ll reduce your period-associated misery by 7000%. I know I have!  You’ll save money!  You’ll kickbox whilst doing cartwheels and eating salad covered in yogurt!  The Diva Cup is so good, you’ll almost forget you’re on your period. This I promise to you.

Now go menstruate in peace!